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Elisabeth Ovesen
3x New York Times bestselling author, copywriter, and columnist.


Sexual due diligence, penis metrics, dick discernment, and how the sexual shaming of women hurts both sexes.

Table of Contents

2. Men Don’t Want to Be Treated Like Women

3. How Women React to Slut-Shaming

4. Men Lose When Women Are Slut-Shamed

5. Above All Else, Love That Woman

Photo: Lil’ Kim from the album Hardcore (1996)

In 1996 I was eighteen years old and had been a stripper for two years already. I hung out with a group of drug dealers, pimps, professional athletes, and a crew of four other strippers I booked for private dances with some of my rich and famous friends, who I met in the private gentlemen’s club where I worked daily double shifts. I’d been living on…


I am mourning the way I thought my life would be and trying to come to terms with the way it all turned out.

Elisabeth Ovesen

It’s late at night. Well, actually, it’s just after 9 PM. I turned off my television about twelve minutes into Bye Bye Birdie and opened my laptop so that I could stream Frasier, one of the shows I love to let put me to sleep. Every night, I turn the volume down so low that I can’t make out the words and dim the light on my laptop until there is no light at all. I don’t watch or listen, but knowing my favorite show is there helps me fall asleep.

Frasier is my emotional support show.

It’s time for…

Dear Level

Sometimes the cardinal sin of breakups is the only way

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

Recently, after five years with my partner, I broke up with him via text. For those who weren’t familiar with the painful details of our relationship, my sudden and brash exit seemed cold and uncaring. On the contrary, however, it was the warmest, most loving thing I could do — for me.

After all the years and experiences we had together, I hadn’t lost an ounce of love for Everette. But being with someone who consistently weaponized his mental illnesses and personality disorders against me damaged my self-esteem almost beyond repair. I am still struggling to find myself attractive, worthy…

Dear Level

All it takes is a bit of imagination

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium. Source: Getty Images.

Here’s the fantasy: You and/or your partner want to spice up your sex life by adding at least one other person into the mix.

Here’s the reality: a global pandemic, cold feet, and/or reluctance to inviting new people into your bedroom.

Here’s the solution: the One-Man Gangbang (OMG), which, to be clear, has nothing to do with gang violence or any form or non-consensual sexual contact. Rather, this is a way to live out a particular brand of PornHub kink — all it takes is a bit of imagination, role-playing, and maybe a couple of distinctive accents to pull off.


One by one, I ended several of my longstanding friendships. Here’s why I did it, and maybe you should, too.

Illustration: Aew/Rawpixel

Over the past year, I have ended nearly all of my friendships and done so with no regrets. I’d been tolerating one-sided relationships for many years, trying to fix them, and giving them entirely too much space in my life, hoping my buddies would grow and change as individuals and friends. Finally, as has happened in alot of relationships since the onset of the pandemic, my patience with unfulfilling friendships ran dry.

During the pandemic, I have been hyper-focused on surviving the deadliest year of my existence and thriving at a time when millions have either lost their lives or…


Even though I raised my son on my own, I didn’t do all the things a father should — I did all the things a mother should.

Illustration: Busbus/Rawpixel

There’s always one. Every Father’s Day, someone will send me a Happy Father’s Day message via text or social media, and I can’t tell you how much I hate it––but I can try. Mostly, I get this sort of message from single mothers or those raised by single mothers who believe that if a woman brings up a child without assistance from that child’s biological dad, the mom then acts as both mother and father. So, when Father’s Day rolls around, they believe they’re doing the noble thing by acknowledging me as a single parent. …

Dear Level

Deluded beliefs, not the vaccine, make you radioactive to rational women

Photo Illustration: Save As/Medium; Source: Getty Images

For those who’ve weighed the risks and decided that vaccinating themselves against the coronavirus is the right choice, rapid tests and the Pfizer-Moderna debate are as socially imperative as STD testing. This is especially true for those who are single and interested in dating. As such, thanks to the pandemic, yet another hurdle has been added to the already overwhelming “Is it safe to fuck you?” screening process when looking for a relationship or sexual partner.

What’s more, a derivative of that added layer of concern is the possibility of coming across someone who believes in a myriad of unsubstantiated…


I needed him. He was all that was holding me up, but now…what would happen to us?

Illustration: Adjime/RawPexels, Design: Elisabeth Ovesen

Disclaimer: Joey + Me is based on a true story. Some names have been changed and poetic licenses taken in the interest of privacy, content, and flow.

Missed parts 1 through 4? Catch up here.

The next morning was just like the one before. Joey didn’t show up to school again, so I called him from the payphone. “Are you starting to feel better?” I asked, hoping for a good report. I had become so accustomed to having him with me that his absence was jarring. It meant I would have to go back to feeling out of place and…


Look at yourself — still breathing, still living, still inching forward because everything you have lost isn’t a loss.

Illustration: Techi/Rawpixel

Over the past year and a half, I have lost a lot, but not more than I have given up or that has been taken from me. I have ended twenty-year friendships and finally left my partner of five years. After living in Los Angeles for over twenty years, I moved across the country, taking only my car and whatever could fit into a seven-by-seven shipping container. I gave away most of my possessions, left my friends, and all that’s familiar to me. Even before the onset of the pandemic, my life was spiraling out of control. I had long…


Your happiness, in and out of your relationships, is literally a matter of life and death. Choose wisely.

Illustration: Techi/Rawpixel

I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but your relationship is going to end. No matter how many years you’ve been together or how many children you have, whether you’re married, engaged, or just consciously coupled, your relationship as you know it will cease to exist. So, take a good look at your partner, breathe deeply, and settle into the fact that one day, you won’t be with this person anymore or ever again.

Then, decide how you want it to end.

By now, you might be shaking your head in defiant disbelief, convinced that you…

Elisabeth Ovesen

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