Sometimes, for fathers who abandon their children, there’s no coming back
In my first book, Confessions of a Video Vixen, I graphically chronicled a four-year abusive relationship with my son’s biological father, Nathaniel, professionally known as Kool G Rap, one of hip-hop’s most formidable artists of yesteryear. There’s no time to go through the whole sordid affair, so for context, here are the CliffsNotes.
When I met Nathaniel in Arizona in 1995, I was just 17 years old; he was 10 years my senior. In 1998, we had a son together. By the following year, our relationship had ended. In December 1999, I left my son with his father while I…
WRITING & RELATIONSHIPS
Inside the mind of a writer can be as messy as you have both hoped and feared.
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At my core, I am a memoirist. I am most comfortable and fluid when writing about my experiences, the lessons they’ve taught me, and the people involved. Unless we live a life that avoids human interaction altogether, none of us could write about our personal experiences without mentioning how someone has affected us. Though it is popular, especially among women, to proclaim independence, none of us have it. We are all dependent upon and impacted by others — strangers, loved ones, and colleagues alike.
Most people…
FAITH & FEAR
The people who should feel like imposters often don’t, so I’ve decided to use them as inspiration.
My partner is a fake. Well, his public persona is, at least. Like many people, he projects himself in a way that is the antithesis of who he really is. He postures for the public, pretending to be someone he isn’t, and I hate it. In actuality, he is not as successful, knowledgeable, or confident as he makes himself out to be, and we argue about his projections at least twice a year. I would like him to be more honest in his portrayal, as I think he could be of great help to others were he to speak more…
MENTAL HEALTH & WELL-BEING
Life becomes less devastating when you learn to celebrate the tough stuff.
Well, well, well. Here we are, in the throes of a pandemic with no end in sight, surrounded by a million reasons to hate life—job loss, homelessness, illness, fear and anxiety, stress, stress, and more stress. Many of us are being put through the wringer right now as we try to juggle working from home with homeschooling the kids, “occasional” day drinking, and a desperate need for personal time and self-care. Looking around, many of us can probably name ten things to hate right now. As an eternal optimist, however, I like to look at the other side of pessimistic…
Dear Level
Don’t ruin a perfectly good holiday by doing too much in the bedroom
How do I love Valentine’s Day? Let me count the ways. I love the romance, the sex, the chocolate. On this inherently romantic holiday, my partner and I go the extra mile to show not only how much we love each other, but how turned on we are by one another.
Every year on February 14, I insist on bouquets of red roses and star lilies, bottles of champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and decadent dark chocolate truffles with sweet and surprising centers (cherries and cream are the best!). I’ll usually play a sexy soundtrack, light some candles, and put on a…
SELF-CARE
Creating balance and finding my center became an act of defiance after what I saw.
When I woke up Monday morning, I knew it was going to be a shit day. It was my fault, really. I’d spent the weekend coaching clients but made the mistake of not decompressing Saturday or Sunday night. Instead, I finished both evenings catching up with two of my best friends, spending up to four hours on the phone with each of them. This caused me to skip my usual wind down and bedtime routines, which affected my sleep and wake schedules. So, I felt disoriented Monday morning.
One of the many perks of working for myself is the ability…
SELF-LOVE & EMPOWERMENT
If you’re waiting for me to be self-deprecating, you should leave now.
There’s a lot I don’t give a shit about, and one of them is other people’s feelings. I could say this only applies to strangers’ feelings, but I’d be lying — and I never lie. I might mislead and omit, but I never lie. As a memoirist, the truth as I see it is the cornerstone of my career. As a woman who has survived childhood kidnapping and rape, beatings, homelessness, an addiction, and a near-fatal overdose, I see no reason to pretend I don’t think or feel the way I do. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to…
SELF-CONFIDENCE
When you feel like all hope is lost and you just can’t do it, consider this.
I spent last weekend the way I will spend this weekend — coaching clients. Each of them is a woman with her sights set on being a better version of herself but has a hard time seeing how to get there. That’s where I come in. I’m a tough-love coach. I say what the people closest to you won’t, and I say it in a way that bites. I say the quiet parts loud as fuck, and I’m not concerned about hurt feelings. Unpleasant truths can sometimes sting those who have sheltered themselves from actuality, but facing these truths finally…
RELATIONSHIPS
Most of my friends are men, and what they say about the women they date cracks me up and also makes me a little sad.
Recently, I started a new position as the relationship columnist for LEVEL, a Medium publication for men. After publishing my first entry for Dear LEVEL, I felt inspired and decided to phone some of my closest male friends and colleagues as research for some of my upcoming posts. They were all incredibly helpful and I’m looking forward to my bi-monthly entries, especially next week’s Valentine’s Day hot take.
But one can hardly talk to men about their relationships with women without discussing what has gone wrong in the interim. So, since Dear LEVEL is a column for guys, I figured…
Dear Level
Why commitment-phobes need to keep it movin’
Growing up, most of my friends were boys. I was always more interested in things like capturing bugs than applying makeup and shopping for purses. To be honest, not much has changed since then. No, I’m not out here climbing trees as a grown-ass woman, but I keep platonic members of the opposite sex in my circle, and I still think makeup is gross.
One perk that comes with male friendships is having a front-row seat in the theater of men’s minds. …
